the lost feminist

well, i am counting down the days before i start my new job and i must say that at this point, i am not looking forward to it. i definately have mixed emotions about this and surprised at myself for not being more excited about the direction my career is going. on the outside, things are going really well and am proud of my accomplishments. my department head has told me a few times that i am a "poster child" for our program: i have several papers that have been published, i've been an invited speaker at a conference, been to several international meetings, been asked to be a reviewer, my work was featured in several popular science magazines, I got married, had a baby including a month of bedrest AND finished my PhD in 6 years. i'll also be one of very few women engineers in my building at my new job. when i read all of that, it seems like the feminist in me should be proud. but i gotta say that i am really struggling.

i REALLY enjoy being a mom. noah is such a joy despite his constant sleep issues (oh, btw, we all have colds so no more sleeping through the night now) and confusion about discipling him around the cats, i really enjoy the life we have right now. even when i was working on my dissertation, we still had plenty of time to play and hang out. the grad student mom gig was really nice!! part time work, plenty of play, flexibility, etc. i KNOW noah will be fine at toni's house. it was so wonderful to have gone over there this week and see the kids and meet the parents. i know that the social atmosphere and the crafts and the fieldtrips will probably be better for him than staying home with boring old me. i know he'll just thrive if they can figure out a happy way to get him to sleep. i know that i will find a way to balance work and life and being a good mom. it will be hard, but i know we can do it. the thing is, right now, i really just don't want to.

i went to a workshop once on balancing work and life (where i met my good phd mama friend, catherine). i remember one of the speakers said the best way to get a good balance is to find good quality day care and don't send yourself on a guilt trip. well, i feel comfortable that we've found good quality day care, but i'm sure the guilt trip part will be hard for me to do. recently, becky (neighbor) just led me to a blog of moms with PhDs in all parts of their careers and motherhood. its been really nice to read that and hear stories about what works and what doesn't and to put things in perspective. i'm hoping (?!) i can make friends with some other women engineers at my work with kids that can give me encouragement. i'm also hoping to find some awesome crock pot recipes so that despite limited time, we can still eat yummy homemade meals with organic veggies from our community shared agriculture program.

and so, i think parts of the feminist in me is lost. is that weird to anyone but me? never fear though, i still don't shave my legs and i am not very good about regularly waxing them either. (although i have found an excellent diy kit so i don't have to go to the spa all the time) ha ha. who knows, maybe i will be able to pull it together and be a role model to future daughters, but for right now, i'm not sure i'm up for it. i'll have to be in less than a week, though i guess. how does one pump themselves up for this kind of thing?

despite all that, here are some pictures of noah, his daddy and his mama, PhD.